


everyone calls you amazing, i just call you mine

by gravinnen



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-15
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-09-17 17:15:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9334832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gravinnen/pseuds/gravinnen
Summary: Isak knows there is something Even is not telling him and tries to get him to open up. it's not working.





	

Isak had actually kind of forgotten what it was like to come home to the smell of food that is being cooked especially for you and the sound of someone being genuinely interested in you. But Eskild and Linn had presented Even with a key to the apartment a couple of weeks ago, along with a keychain of an E embedded with fake diamonds and Isak remembers, now. He remembers.  
  
Doesn’t mean that his heart doesn’t skip a beat everytime he comes home from school, or from hanging with the boys on the basketball court, or from trying to get himself to the gym, failing and turning back around and Even is in the kitchen, preparing dinner, or working on something at the table, or talking to Isak’s housemates, though. It doesn’t mean that at all.  
  
  “Why did you delete all of your social media anyway? I know you used to have it, at some point.” Isak asks on one such night, jumping up on the counter next to where Even’s methodically slicing up a cucumber. He leans forward to steal a bite, butting his head against Even’s shoulder in what he hopes is a move that makes Even want to share secrets. “But now, no Facebook, no Instagram. I don’t even want to talk about all the snapchat filters you’ve missed out on over the years. It upsets me too much to realize I’ve never received a single snap of you with the dog filter. And I probably never will.”  
  
Even doesn’t miss a beat when he says, “I was tired” without even bothering to look up.    
  
“You were tired.”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Tired.”  
  
“Yep.”  
  
“You deleted all of your social media because you were tired.”  
  
“Are we just going to say the same thing to each other the entire evening?” Even says. He takes the cucumber slices and puts them in a bowl, then fishes one out again to put in Isak’s mouth. “For you. Now shut up.”    
  
“Thanks.” Isak says, mouth full. “But I was asking you a serious question, actually.”    
  
“And I’m giving you a serious answer. I was tired so I deleted it all.” Even gives him the sunniest of smiles and starts slicing up tomatoes.  
  
“You’re a fucking liar.” Isak says and kicks at Even’s butt with his feet. “And you acting like this makes me even more curious, you know. I really want to know.”    
  
“I know.” Even says, drawing out the words a little bit. “But you’re going to be so awkward when I tell you.”  
  
  “I’m not.”    
  
“Except that you totally are.”    
  
“What the hell. I’m the least awkward person in the world.”   
  
Even snorts, takes a tomato from the bowl and pushes it once more in Isak’s mouth. “Can you not just trust me when I say, Isak, you really, really don’t want to know.”

“No.”  
  
  “But you don’t want to know.”  
  
“Yeah, except, I don’t think that’s something that you can or should decide for me.” Isak says, mouth full of tomato. “And I think it’s like, super unfair that I’m showing such genuine interest in you and your past and I’m like, trying to get to know you better and you’re here, keeping secrets. And stuffing my face with vegetables.”    
  
“I’m not keeping secrets.” Another bright smile that Isak files away to think about later because he’s definitely not in the mood now. “I’m just choosing to not tell you something.”  
  
“That is literally the definition of a secret.”    
  
“Is it though?”  
  
“Yes, it fucking is.” Isak says. He tries to kick Even’s butt again but Even is quick to react this time and smoothly steps away so he ends up in between Isak’s legs. “I know it had something to do with you putting some stuff on Facebook.”

“I think you talk a lot of tough shit for someone who’s only contribution to this meal is sitting on the counter and stealing stuff.” He says, kissing Isak slowly and deliberately in what must be the most obvious move of all time.    
  
Isak smiles, wraps his arms around Even’s neck because two can play this game and slowly kisses his way down from Even’s ear to his mouth before whispering softly, “Tell me.” He pushes his forehead against Even’s forehead and takes Even’s bottom lip between his teeth, biting down on it ever so slightly. Then, he leans back a little bit to whisper in Even’s other ear, “Tell me.”

Even quickly takes a step back, wags his finger at Isak. “No blowjob for you, tonight.”    
  
Isak gulps, checks if anyone else has suddenly appeared in the kitchen even though he knows all of his housemates are out, the word blowjob being directed towards him and said by a boy still a shock to the system. “ _Anyway_. There would be no need for any this if you would just fucking tell me.”  
  
“Look at this tomato.” Even says, taking a tomato out of the bowl and putting it in front of his eye like a monocle. “Isn’t this the sweetest tomato you ever did see?”    
  
Isak rolls his eyes.  
  
  “This tomato is nice. This tomato doesn’t ask silly questions that he doesn’t want the answer to. This tomato stays quiet and helps his boyfriend cut up vegetables.”    
  
“That would be cannibalism but okay. You do you, I guess.”  
  
  Even throws that tomato at Isak’s face. It hits him just near his eye and then falls to the ground. He guesses that for now, this conversation is over.    
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
“Magnus, honestly, is there like, anyone as bad at this as you?”  
  
  “Fucking excuse me, Jonas.”    
  
“No, I’m completely serious, is there anyone on this planet who is worse at fifa?”

“Uhm, I think you’re being really like, unnecessarily rude right now. And I feel that you should definitely stop before you seriously hurt my feelings and I throw this controller at you.”

“He’s right, though.” Mahdi pipes up from where he’s lying on his back on Isak’s bed, not looking at the football match that’s being played in front of him but reading, for some reason, a thick book about philosophy, holding it up in the air like he’s lifting weights, his brow furrowed.  
  
“What are you talking about, Mahdi, you’re not even watching.”    
  
“And I can still physically feel how awful you are this. Go fucking figure.”  
  
  “Are you enjoying that?” Isak asks from his corner of the bed. He’s awaiting his turn to play fifa against whoever wins this game, which will be Jonas, and is feeling just the slightest bit bored. He kicks at the book with his foot so it falls flat on Mahdi’s face.    
  
“Yes.” Mahdi raises his middle finger up towards Isak, takes the book from his face. “You’re a dick.”  
  
  “ _You’re_ a dick.” Isak shoots back.  
  
  “Okay.” Mahdi says, switching to his right side and going back to reading.    
  
“What are you reading, anyway?”  
  
Mahdi opens his mouth to answer him, already lifting up the book to show Isak the cover but Magnus is faster. “Who honestly gives a fuck. Books are for nerds.” He says, not taking his eyes off of the game even though he is losing so badly he might as well want to try how well he gets on if he stops looking. “How’s Evak doing, that’s what I want to know.”    
  
Isak rolls his eyes, cocks his head to try and read the title on the cover.    
  
“I’m waiting.”    
  
 “Magnus, honestly, you need to like, stop saying Evak. It’s really weird.”    
  
Magnus doesn’t even bother with a reply, just keeps quiet and so, “Evak is doing okay, I guess.”    
  
“You guess?” Jonas asks, pausing the game and turning around so he can rest his arms on the bed and look at Isak. “Are you not, like, there to check on that?”  
  
  “Sure I am. It’s — good.”    
  
“It’s… good?”  
  
  “Yeah, it’s… it’s good.”  
  
  “But…?” Mahdi says, not looking up from his book. “Honestly the day we’re not going to have to physically pull the information out of you is the day I can finally be at peace.”    
  
“Yeah, you’re looking real stressed out right now.” Isak can’t help but say. Then, he pauses just for a little while. Jonas lifts his eyebrows. “There’s actually something I’ve been meaning to ask your opinion about.”    
  
Magnus turns around now too, his controller forgotten on the ground next to him and looking like he’s waited for this moment his whole life. “What’s up?”    
  
“Uhm.” Isak says. “What do you guys think of, like, keeping secrets from one another when you’re in a relationship?”    
  
“I think it’s great.” Magnus says, at exactly the same time Jonas tells him, “Terrible idea.”    
  
“There you go, Isak.” Mahdi says. “Good luck.”  
  
  Isak squints his eyes in confusion. “Yeah, that’s um, that’s really helpful guys, thanks.”  
  
  “I mean, it kind of ruined my relationship with Eva, right, so after going through that whole thing, you know, I think it’s best to just have everything out in the open.”    
  
“Why though?”  
  
  “Well, Magnus, because I feel that honesty is the key to a healthy relationship.”    
  
“No, but like, what does that even mean? To have everything out in the open?”    
  
“I don’t fucking know. It means to not keep secrets from each other, what the fuck do you want me to tell you?”  
  
“Yeah, but that’s so vague, though.” Magnus turns around to Isak then. “Keeping everything out in the open, like, does that mean telling Even about all of the horribly embarrassing things you wore when you were thirteen? Because I remember those, Isak, don’t think I don’t.”   
  
 “Don’t… don’t talk about that.”  
  
  “I have pictures. Just saying.” Magnus grins and Isak tries his hardest to think about anything else but the outfits he’d worn when he was thirteen. “Nah, seriously though, is my relationship any less healthy because I’m not telling Vilde what I once said to my mom when I was fifteen?”   
  
“What did you say to your mom when you were fifteen?”    
  
“Nothing you will ever know, Mahdi, that’s for fucking sure.” A pause. “Sorry.” Magnus says. “It’s just everytime I think of that thing I have to like, do some breathing exercises to get over just how fucking embarrassing it is, you know?” Mahdi waves his hand in silent forgiveness. “Anyway, I’m just saying, am I going to tell Vilde that I had some seriously weird dreams about her? No. Does that make me dishonest? I don’t think so. Do I think it might actually be for the best if I don’t tell her? Without a single doubt.”    
  
Isak nods, more because he doesn’t know what else to do than because he agrees with either of them. “Right.” He says.  
  
“Why are you asking?” Mahdi asks, finally looking up from his book and putting it to his side. “Do you think Even’s keeping secrets from you?”     
  
“I mean… I don’t know, really. Not like, serious secrets, I don’t think, anyway. Nothing like cheating or whatever. It’s just that I know for a fact that some shit went down at his old school that was like, apparently terrible enough to transfer schools and I’m just, yeah, _curious_ , I guess and I feel that it might be important for me to know, maybe. I don’t know. I don’t know!”  
  
“Tough shit.” Jonas says.    
  
“Tough shit.” Isak agrees.    
  
“That’s a fair question, though, Isak.” Mahdi stretches. “But I do think Magnus has a point.”    
  
“I think so too.” Magnus says.    
  
Mahdi rolls his eyes. “I think that obviously being honest with uhm, whoever you’re dating is important but it’s good to think about how far you’re going to take that, I feel like? Like, do you owe someone every secret you’ve ever had just for the sake of honesty?”    
  
Isak thinks about being honest, about opening up, about secrets. He thinks about the things he’s thought about his father and his mother and how that makes him feel so ashamed it leaves him cold inside sometimes. About the things he did to Jonas and to Eva, and how he doesn’t even know how to go about telling anyone else that particular secret, let alone Even. Some of the things he’s said to Sara, to Emma. He thinks, what strange things secrets are.    
  
“I don’t know, man.” Jonas says, his hands moving in the air. “I think you need to think about why you want to know and then maybe kind of go from there? Like, do you want to know because you feel like it’s important that you know or do you want to know because you just want to know.”  
  
  “Say know one more time.” Magnus says.    
  
“Know.”  
  
  “I’m curious as hell, like, that’s for sure. But I also feel that maybe it would be just good to know. Before like, someone else tells me or something, maybe.”    
  
“Maybe.” Mahdi says. “But maybe not.”  
  
  “But maybe not.”    
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
   Isak’s almost asleep, so close to a dream he can almost touch it, on exactly the right side of warm underneath his blanket, his teeth freshly brushed, when suddenly, “Isak. Hey, Isak. It’s snowing.”

“Amazing.” He somehow manages to say, his mouth smushed against his pillow, his eyes so heavy. “All the more reason to come back to bed.”

It takes a while but then he feels Even crawl into bed next to him, a hand on the small of his back and a kiss on the nape of his neck, right where his hair starts to curl a little bit. Isak smiles, relishes in it for the quietest of seconds before turning around so he can face Even. Or at least the shape of him in the darkness of his room.   
  
“Can’t sleep?”     
  
“Nah, I’m fine, don’t worry. Just excited about the snow, that’s all.”  
  
  Isak moves closer then, aims to put his hand on Even’s shoulder in silent support but misses and accidentally puts his thumb in Even’s mouth.    
  
“Hi.” Even says around Isak’s thumb. “This is interesting.”

“Sorry.” Isak says, pulling his hand back, quickly wiping it on Even’s shirt and pushing his nose against Even’s arm. He closes his eyes, quite ready to fall back asleep now that he knows Even is okay. “Was aiming for your shoulder.”   
  
“That’s okay.” Even says softly. He pets Isak’s hair in that way that he does and kisses the top of his head. “I like that it’s snowing outside and we’re here, you know, just the two of us. All we need is a fire and it’s like we’re in that Christmas movie, The Holiday. Have you seen it?”

“Is that one of those artsy movies where people like, randomly start to sing that you love so much?” Isak asks without opening his eyes. “Because if so, I don’t know why you’re even bothering to ask me that.”  
  
  “Nobody sings in it. And it’s only the best romantic comedy ever in the world. The Holiday, come on, you must have seen it.”  
  
  “Is it that Christmas movie with Jim Carrey in it?”  
  
  “Yes, Isak. I’m talking about the world famous romantic comedy The fucking Grinch.”   
  
“Don’t say fucking Grinch. It’s weird.” Isak says, grinning and kissing Even’s shoulder just because he can. “Is it the movie with the little boy in it who gets left behind?”  
  
  “I’m like, two seconds away from leaving you.”    
  
“Ah, calm down, I was only joking. I know that movie’s called A Christmas Carol.”    
  
“I’m leaving.” Even says, trying to get up but Isak throws an arm over Even’s stomach and holds him there.    
  
“No.” He says, firmly. And then, “Is it that movie with the girl from Titanic in it?”    
  
Even huffs but falls back down on the bed. “The girl from Titanic.”   
  
“Hmmm.”     
  
“Did you seriously just call Kate Winslet the girl from Titanic.”    
  
“I mean, is she not the girl from Titanic?”  
  
  “No, Isak. She’s Kate Winslet.”    
  
“Fine. Kate Winslet. And yeah, I have seen that actually.”    
  
Even pushes his nose in Isak’s hair and Isak can feel him starting to smile. “I used to have the biggest crush on her, you know.”    
  
“Did you?” Isak asks, a little bit more awake now. He puts his chin on Even’s chest. “Kate Winslet, really?”  
  
  “Hell yes. Still do, actually. But then, I have the biggest crush on Leonardo DiCaprio too. And so, everytime the both of them appeared on screen I would just be like, where do I even look, right now.” Even brushes his thumb over Isak’s cheek, his lip, his eyelids. “So, I guess you could say that Titanic is kind of the perfect metaphor for how I feel about people.”    
  
“I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.”  
  
  “Neither, I think. Or both.” Even says. “Do you have a movie crush? Or are you like, way too cool for that.”  
  
 “Uhm.”     
  
“Is it really embarrassing?”     
  
“No, it’s not embarrassing. At least I don’t think so. It’s just — yeah, I don’t think I have ever told anyone.”    
  
“Oh. Well. Don’t feel you have to tell me, or anything.” Even says, because he’s a better person than Isak could ever dream of being.   
  
 “It’s fine.” He says, even though he can feel his cheeks heating up because, yeah, he’s in bed with a boy who he makes out with regularly, but, it’s still a little bit weird to admit to his male movie crush that he has categorically denied for the past couple of years. “It was, uhm, it was Ryan Gosling in The Notebook.”  
  
 “What.”  
  
Isak coughs. “When he was like, young. And uhm, you know, in the water.”  
  
  “I’m still trying to process that you’ve seen The Notebook.”  
  
  That makes Isak laugh a little. He feels relieved, somehow. “Are you having a Gabrielle moment?”    
  
“I mean, when, what, and, most importantly, fucking  _why_?”  
  
  “A couple of years ago, when I was like, thirteen, I was dating this girl. And she told me it was a war movie.”    
  
Even laughs out loud at that, pulls Isak closer to him. “There’s a war scene, I guess.”    
  
“Yes, there is. There’s a single war scene. One. And the rest is just Ryan Gosling. In the water.”  
  
 Even laughs again. “You like that, huh? Boys in bodies of water.”    
  
“Hmmm.”   They’re silent for a while after that, Isak listening to Even’s steady heartbeat underneath his right ear, his hand curled around Even’s hip bone, Even letting his finger brush over Isak’s eyebrows, the bridge of his nose and, “So, now that I’ve told you a secret, it would be only fair if you told me one too, you know.”    
  
“Isak…”    
  
“You could for example, maybe, tell me what happened at your previous school that was so intense you had to transfer. I don’t know, it’s just a suggestion.”    
  
“Or I could not.”  
  
“Right.”  
  
  “You’re being really annoying about this, you know.”  
  
  “That seems  like a  rude thing to say.”  
  
  “We were having a really nice, sweet moment here and now you’ve gone and ruined it because you’re nosy as fuck.” Even says, and even though he does sound the slightest bit annoyed, there’s no heat in his words.  
  
  “Okay, okay. Sorry.”  
  
  “I had an episode, I wrote some shit on Facebook, hurt a lot of people. It wasn’t great. There you go.”    
  
And like, Isak knew all of that already but it is still kind of painful to hear Even say it out loud. He sounds… not defeated necessarily, or even ashamed, but like someone who’s had to tell it a million times before and is very, very over it.    
  
“Okay.” Isak says.    
  
“Okay.”   And it’s a little bit awkward then, and Isak’s not satisfied at all with that answer but he also doesn’t want to ruin this any more than he’s already done because Even was right, it had been a nice, sweet moment. He sighs.  
  
  Then, Even says, “So, Ryan Gosling…” and the awkwardness is gone.

And Isak loves him so, so much and he wonders, is it worth it? Is it really worth it to keep asking him about this?  
  
  
  
***    
  
  
  
Isak’s sitting on his bed, fucking around on his laptop, desperately trying to find some inspiration on what to get Even for his birthday in a few days, when he hears someone knock softly on the door. He quickly clicks out of the youtube video he was watching (“Five budget options on what to get him for his birthday!”) and grunts, expecting it to be Eskild coming in but seeing, surprisingly, Eva standing in the doorway. He could have known, Eskild would never do something as polite as knocking.  
  
  “Hi Isak.” She says and smiles in a way that seems too shy for her, too aware and he supposes she also feels the awkwardness Isak feels, still. They were never outright mean to each other, and they’ve genuinely made up now, of course, but it’s still a little bit weird to have her suddenly standing in his room like she never left at all and like she has been gone for a long, long time. “Can I come in?”  
  
  “Yeah, yeah, sure.” Isak says, moving more to the right side of his bed so Eva can join him on the left side. She sits down next to him, crossing her legs, then uncrossing them.    
  
“Tired of the party?” He asks, moving his head into the direction of the kitchen from where he can hear someone who sounds an awful lot like Vilde yelling something about girls and ombre hairstyles.  
  
  “I mean, it’s not even pre-drinks anymore, at this point. It’s just. Well, drinks.” Eva smoothes her skirt down with her hand. “We’re leaving soon, anyway, I think. Just wanted to take a breather. You have any plans for tonight?”    
  
Isak rolls his eyes and sighs. “Except for finding Even a gift for his birthday, nothing at all.”    
  
“Oh. Any ideas?”    
  
He leans his head back against the wall in embarrassment and turns his laptop so Eva can look at the screen. “It’s a clock.” He adds helpfully.   
  
“I can… see that.” Eva says, looking not as impressed as Isak was secretly hoping she would look. “Any particular reason to give Even a clock?”  
  
  “I mean, he’s always asking me, like, what time it is. So, you know, a clock. So that he can, uhm, check it himself.”    
  
“Sounds… logical.”  
  
  “Logical.” Isak closes his eyes for a second to get over that, and tries not to think of the sixteen amazing ideas Even probably already has for his birthday. “Not, like, romantic? Thoughtful?” He tries, slightly desperately.    
  
“Like, not even a little bit.”   
  
“Awesome.”    
  
Eva smiles a wistful smile that makes her look extra pretty in the yellow light of Isak’s lamp. “I remember when Jonas had to get me a present for my birthday for the first time.”   
  
“What was it?”   
  
“You really want to know?”    
  
“Probably not.”  
  
  “He’d made me a mixtape of all of our songs and then he’d made me a booklet to go with it, too, and in it he’d written a short story about each of those moments.”    
  
“Of course he fucking did.” Isak pushes the laptop away and goes to lie down on the bed, letting himself quietly enjoy how much this feels like a year ago and how different it is, too, for just a second. He grimaces. “And here I am, with a fucking clock.”    
  
“Yeah, don’t get too excited. It was mostly songs that _he_ enjoyed. I had no idea who half of the artists on there even were. Let alone that they were supposed to be our songs.”    
  
“Asshole.” Isak smiles because he knows that Eva knows.    
  
“Asshole.” Eva says because she knows that Isak knows, too.  
  
  They sit there in silence for a while and Isak wonders if they should talk about it. About how it is sometimes painful to look at her because he’s so sorry that it almost hurts. And how it used to hurt to look at Jonas, too, for entirely different reasons, and how, at one point in time, that did actually feel like it would kill him. How it felt to turn grey on the inside, a heart so heavy it was difficult to keep carrying it around. How it felt to become a shadow of his former self and nobody even really seemed to notice.  
  
  “Why don’t you, like, get him a print of a picture of the two of you? You know, one of those nice ones that he can hang up in his room?” Eva says, and the spell is broken.  
  
Isak looks up at her. “Uhm, I don’t know.” He pauses, wonder if there’s a right way of saying this. “That’s kind of…”  
  
  Eva kicks at his feet with her feet. “Gay?”    
  
“Maybe.”  
  
  “That seems like an unhealthy mindset to have for a guy who’s in a relationship with a guy.” Eva says. “That seems like an unhealthy mindset to have for anyone, actually. But fine, go ahead, give him a clock. See how he likes that.”    
  
“How bad is the clock? Like, on a scale to ten, how bad is it?”

“A strong three.”    
  
“No!” Isak throws his arm over his face. “That’s a terrible number.” He mumbles from underneath it.    
  
“So terrible. Almost as terrible as that clock.” Eva pushes his arm away and grins at him. “How are you two doing anyway? You seemed — unsure, last time we spoke.”  
  
  Isak shrugs. “I wasn’t, actually. But I can see why you would think that, maybe. But we’re just, you know, taking it a day at a time? But not unsure. Never unsure.” He thinks for a second, thinks about Even and himself and breakfast in bed and walking through the streets at night and unanswered texts and cold feet against his shins. “We’re good, yeah. Just still… kind of, trying to find out what our way of doing things is, you know?”  
  
  “That’s the best part, though. When you don’t know everything about each other yet, that’s the best part.”    
  
“You think it’s a good thing to not know everything about each other?”   
  
 “Absolutely.” She reaches out to kind of awkwardly straighten his hoodie, a movement that used to be familiar but now feels distant, somehow. “I used to tell Jonas absolutely everything, you know. Everything. And I guess it kind of made me forget that I was my own person, too, and that I would always be my own person, with my own thoughts, my own opinions, my own secrets.”    
  
“But you broke up with him because he wasn’t telling you the truth, right? So how can it be a good thing to keep secrets from each other?”  
  
  Isak thinks of how easy it would be for Eva to say, ‘no, we broke up because you were playing a really shitty game with the both of us’. How fair that would be, even, and how he almost wants to hear her say it, for some inexplicable reason.

But Eva just shrugs, smiles, “Nah, we broke up because neither of us respected me. And because Jonas was being a real dick a lot of the time and I had the worst trust issues. And that’s what it kind of comes down to, you know? Do you trust that other person. Like, do you trust them to do the right thing, to treat you right even when you aren’t there, to decide on whether or not to tell you something and make the right decision.”   
  
“You sound really wise all of a sudden. I don’t remember you being this wise.”  
  
  “It’s all the alcohol. I think it has the opposite effect on me. And like, the fact that is a smaller amount of annoying boys in my life who kept making fun of me.”  
  
  “Hmm.”

Isak opens his mouth to say something else but Noora calls out for Eva from the kitchen. “We’re leaving in two!” She yells.  
  
 Eva gets up from the bed. “I’m off.”   
  
“Yeah, have fun tonight. I’ll just be here… scrolling through fucking clocks…”  
  
  “Ha, yeah, you enjoy that. And if you really can’t think of something else, I’m sure giving him something else that rhymes with clock will do just fine.”    
  
  
  
*** 

 

It’s late already when Even texts Isak that he’s on his way to him, not to mention raining like crazy outside. And this makes Isak feel just the slightest bit on edge because they hadn’t made any plans to meet up tonight and yeah, spontaneous actions can be fun, especially when they involve Even and coming over but it can also mean — something else. And Isak’s just a tiny bit worried.     
  
He’s hanging around in his bedroom, staring at a book, the door opened just slightly when he hears a knock on the door. It sounds slightly frazzled and Isak’s not running to the door but what he’s doing can’t really be considered just normal walking either.  
  
  “Hi.” He says, slightly out of breath from the distance between his room and the front door. He really needs to go to the gym.

“Hi cutie.” Even says and he sounds calm and quiet and sweet. He sounds like Even.    
  
Isak takes a deep breath, tells himself to calm the fuck down and then crashes into Even’s chest so hard Even has to take a step back to keep from falling over.  
  
  “Were you worried?” Even mutters against Isak’s hair.    
  
“Nah.”    
  
“Good.”  
  
  It takes Isak a little while to realize that Even is entirely soaked.    
  
“You’re entirely soaked.” He says.   
  
“It’s raining.” Even smiles down at Isak. “Let’s pause this for two seconds so I can take off my shoes and my coat and then I’ll be right back where you want me.”   
  
“Nah, that’s fine.” Isak says, untangling himself and pointing to his bedroom. “You do what you need to do. I’ll go get a towel.”    
  
The way Even smiles at him as he bends down to makes Isak feel like he can take on the world.

“So, any, uhm, particular reason you couldn’t wait for slightly dryer weather?” Isak asks as Even walks into his bedroom a couple of minutes later. He swears he had a single clean towel, still, but he can’t seem to find it between all of the twenty-five hoodies he really needs to wash but chose to hide in his wardrobe instead.  
  
 “Just wanted to see you.” Even says as sits down on the edge of Isak’s bed.    
  
“Okay.”  
  
 Isak finally finds the single clean towel stuffed underneath a pile of his books and and on top of three of Even’s shirts and he tries hard not to judge his past self for it but he really needs to start like, not putting his towels underneath piles of books.    
  
“That’s not true, actually.”  
  
  “Okay.” Isak walks towards Even, kicks his legs apart so he can stand between them. He wraps the towel around Even’s head so he looks a little bit like an old lady. “Great look.”    
  
“I’m like, trying to be serious here.”   
  
“Oh. Sorry.”   
  
 “That’s okay. It’s just that I was thinking about secrets today and like, one secret in particular and I think that maybe I should tell you and stop being like, so fucking weird about it.”  
  
  “Hmm.” Isak mutters as he tries his best to dry Even’s hair with a towel.

“I just really, really don’t want to.”

“You could, maybe, start off by explain why you don’t want to.”   
  
“Yeah, okay.” Even says, softly, quietly and he’s looking at Isak but he’s also not. “Because I want to move on from it, I guess. Like, for a really long time this was hanging over my head, you know? It defined me, it really did. It was everything people saw when they looked at me. And so everywhere _I_ looked, I saw either anger or _pity_ , you know, like, ‘hey, look at that guy, he really fucked up, didn’t he? That must be hard for him.’ And even if they like, pretended to be cool about it or whatever I could still kind of feel them thinking, ‘oh, this poor dude’ and I’m over that. I’m so over that.”  
  
  Isak bites down on his bottom lip, thinks on that for second.    
  
“That sounds completely understandable.” He says then, taking the towel and throwing it, and his resolutions from earlier, in a corner of his room. “Like, I can understand that.” He pets Even’s hair.    
  
“And I guess I’m just like, scared that it will make you look at me a different way. And that’s jut not worth it, you know. I really don’t think it’s worth it for the sake of not keeping secrets.”  
  
  That hurts Isak just a little bit because really, really thought he’d done enough to show Even that nothing like that could ever make him look at Even in a different way. “That’s not entirely fair, I feel like, Even. You walked out on me naked. I had to, like, run after you. And I still think you’re the best person in the world.”  
  
 “Yeah, okay. Yeah. That’s true. I’m sorry.” Even pushes his face against Isak’s right hand. “I’m just, yeah, _afraid_ , I guess, that you might not be able to separate that action from, like, me, as a person, you know? That all you’re ever going to see when you look at me is — that. And I don’t think that’s fair, either, you know. That I have to keep walking around with this _thing_ hanging over my head for the sake of honesty, you know. For the sake of keeping it real, or whatever.”    
  
Isak puts his hands against Even’s cheeks, brushes his fingers over Even’s eyebrows. “You don’t think much of me, do you?” And he’s not angry, not really, and not upset either. He just wants to know why Even feels like this.    
  
“That’s not it, I don’t think.” Even seems to genuinely mull this over for a couple of seconds and Isak goes to sit next to him so their shoulders and knees are touching. “No, that’s not it. But like, even my mom has a hard time separating some of my actions from me as a person, you know? And who can blame her. Who can blame anyone for that. I did it after all, so who am I to tell anyone how to feel about that but…” Even pauses for a second, bumps his shoulder against Isak’s shoulder. “Like, imagine always having to start every relationship by telling that person about the shit you wore when you where thirteen. Yeah, yeah, Magnus showed me the pictures. At one point, wouldn’t you kind of be like, okay, but I’m not that person anymore so why do I have to keep showing it to people, still.”   
  
Isak decides that he is texting Vilde every weird thing Magnus has ever said about her as soon as this conversation is over, but for now, he just says, “That makes a lot of sense actually.”  
  
  “Right?” Even smiles at him. “But still, I realize that there’s a, like, huge difference between your outfits when you were thirteen, which I want to make so many jokes about, by the way, and some of the stuff I did in the past. So, like, if you really want to know then I’m fine with telling you. So that is why I am here, I guess.”  
  
  “Yeah, you know, I’ve actually been doing some thinking myself too.”    
  
“Okay.”  
  
  “And, like, I understand. I understand that you don’t want to tell me and that’s fine.”   
  
Even is quiet for a few seconds, looking at Isak like he can’t quite believe he’s real. Isak almost wants to stick his tongue out to break the tension. “Are you for real, right now?” Even asks.    
  
“Totally for real. I trust that you would tell me if it was really that important. I mean, I hope you do tell me at some point, of course, but, I'm not going to force you into it, or whatever.”    
  
“Oh my god, you _are_ for real.” Even falls down back on the bed, looks up at the ceiling with a dazed expression on his face. “I can’t believe I came running through the rain to tell you this thing and now you don’t even want to know.”    
  
Isak shrugs. “Should’ve called me and asked me if I was still interested in knowing all of your secrets before running down through the pouring rain here like a total weirdo.” He crawls next to Even. “Seriously though, I really do trust you to make the right decision. I trust that you know when you need to tell me something. But I think it’s like, really cool of you that you were willing to tell me anyway. And uhm, that’s enough for me, right now. That I know you would tell me if I asked you to.”  
  
  “That’s like, a really, really sweet thing to say.”  
  
  “Right.” Isak says, rolling his eyes.    
  
“Take the fucking compliment, Isak.”

“ _You_ take the fucking compliment.”    
  
“Ugh.” Even says, and then kisses Isak, whispers in his ear that he loves him and that the black shirt he’s wearing looks so good on him and it’s enough, it’s enough, it’s enough.

**Author's Note:**

> this is honestly, like, over a month in the making so I hope you enjoyed it! the title is from the song I just call you mine by Martina McBride. I have [a tumblr](https://koninginnen.tumblr.com/) now, too! come say hi if you'd like to!


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